Mother's Day letter to the loves of my life

I never really can believe that Mother's Day is supposed to be about me.  (Even after John told me after school the other day, "Mommy! We wearned it is Mudder's Day and that we should help you! And I'm gonna get your coffee!")  I try to work really hard to balance everyones activity committments with playdates, opportunities for growth with rewards for success, and treats with broccoli.  I try to keep the house, (and all the people that live in it), organized and at least get the laundry washed and dried and on top of the dryer.  Actually having it make it back into the drawers again on the same day, I think is a goal for after all three kids are in school full time.  It seems like I am constantly running, thinking, worrying, planning, trying to make something magical, apologizing when I fall short.  I know for a fact that I am not the only mother thinking these things day in and day out.   And yet, as we get ready to celebrate all of the amazing moms who do that every day, I struggle that I should be celebrated too.  

Maybe it's because I'm lucky enough to have my mom still alive and to be so physically and emotionally close to her.  My mom likes to be celebrated as much as we love to celebrate.  This year will be the first time in my lifetime that we don't celebrate my grandma on Mother's Day.  This year is also the first time that Emilie's birthday falls on Mother's Day.  So, I've been thinking a lot about the holiday recently and I've decided that it's the perfect day to NOT only celebrate me.  I wouldn't have the life I have without my sweet Jazzy mama.  I wouldn't have the fun I have without the amazing moms I share my life with.  Jason loves to point out that if it weren't for him, I wouldn't be a mom.  But we'll save the fawning over his ego for Father's Day.  The real amazing wonder of motherhood that strikes me every day, are my babies.  And it's because of THEM that I get to even be considered on Sunday.  

I realize way too often, sometimes as I'm tucking my kids in at night, or as we're all laughing hysterically over something in the kitchen, or as I'm kissing their booboos, that if something were to happen to me tomorrow, my kids would have almost no memory of me at all. I can nearly recount, in detail, every minute of their sweet little lives, and yet if I died tomorrow -for sure Emilie and John, and Marin very little- wouldn't as much as recall the sound of my voice, despite them having to hear it more than they probably wish on some days.  

I know it's morbid, and I have no plans for that to happen; that's why I always push the thought out of my head and go on singing Moana at the top of our lungs or laughing at passed gas or whatever it as that moment, that brings joy to all of us at once.  But then sometimes I can't help but think, if something happens to me, will they ever really know how totally and completely crazy ga-ga I am over them? Will they ever know how lucky I feel to be their mom? Will they ever understand how much I love that I get to be home with them every day? Will the house implode? Will they ever learn when the Nordstrom Anniversary sale is or how to add just the right amount of accessories to a room without it looking cluttered?  Jason could fill an entire lifetime of stories about how much I loved them, but let's face it- even he has limitations.

Sometimes I'll find myself caught in a moment and I'll say to Jason, "If something were to happen to me, make sure that the kids know....." I guess he's not worried or he probably wouldn't roll his eyes as much as he does after I say that.  And maybe it's because I have control issues, but let's just say it's because I love so big, there are just some things I absolutely want my kids to know.  

So, here they are.
Marin, Emilie and John, I want you to always know: 

- That being your mom is the single greatest joy in my life.

- That I love you in amounts you will never understand, no matter how many times I tell you, except maybe possibly when you have your own children. And yes, this includes those moments when you throw yourself on the floor kicking and screaming because you don't want to wear pants.

-That my love for you is endless and abundant. 

-That I am your greatest fan and your first advocate. That I will always be in your corner and if you are wrong I will try to gently teach you what is right. 

-That the showing up is more important than how you look when you get there.  But try a little.  It makes people feel valued.  

-That it is a great pleasure to be your mommy. I am in awe of you every day. I can't wait to see what you all will become. That no one is more certain than I, that you will leave the world a better place.

-That I know that I might not always be easy to love, and we don't always agree. I'm certain that I tell you,  "no",  more than you want to hear. But I also continue to promise you to try and be the best mom I can be.  I often fall short of this, and then I recommit to it to myself because you are each precious gifts to me and the world.

- That I love your daddy fiercely, no matter what. Even when we disagree. And that he makes me laugh as much as he makes you laugh. And that I think he's fun and smart and handsome and adventourous, and yes, sometimes stubborn.  Be gentle with him.  

-That I hope your daddy and I are an example of how imperfect the perfect love and life can be and how absolutely without a doubt it is worth fighting for.  And you will have to.  And you should.  And mommy's almost always right.

- That listening to you talk to yourself as you play and imagine makes me giddy with happiness.

-That your chalk drawings and scribbles on the sidewalk long after you're tucked snuggly in your beds at night makes my heart overflow.

- That you can do anything in the world that you want to as long as you put your mind to it and believe in yourself. I believe in you and I am proud of you. (and I'd want you to know that I've whispered this to each of you before you go to sleep each night for nearly your whole lives.)

- That I don't consider anything that I do with you or for you a chore.  But since you all now use the toilet on your own, that is more easily said.  

- That I love to celebrate you. On your birthdays or on a Tuesday.

-That you should take pride in your work.  It makes the journey more enjoyable.  

- That even thought I may always be running and doing and telling and advising, I am never, ever, ever too busy to hear what your heart has to say.

- That absolutely nothing is more important to me than the three of you.

- That when you learn something new, every fiber of my being beams with pride.

- That the days that you were born, and the moments I first laid eyes on each of you were the very happiest moments in my life.

- That there is no better sight to my eyes than your smiles.

- That the sound of your laughter is better than the music of the finest symphony in the world.

- That there is no place in the world that I would rather be, when you crawl into my lap and talk or snuggle or read with me.  Even if it means I have to watch some ridiculous kids show for the 45th time.  

-That when you look at me and share and talk to me, time stands still and everything else on the planet can wait.  

-That your spontaneous hugs and kisses mean more to me than all the riches in the world and your handmade gifts covered in glitter and glue and tiny letters and misspelled words are better than the entire Mark and Graham catalog.  

- That you are beautiful, precious little people with giant hearts and beautiful manners. And I hope that the world never tarnishes that for you.

- That many times I can not get enough of you- so much so- that I want to eat your cheeks and kiss your face a thousand times.

-That in the end it is not one day or one year that matters, but how you lived as a whole that will define you.  Let go of the sucky day and years, hold your head high, and try to move on.  

- That I am always thinking about you. Whether it's things to do together, or ways to work on your development, or strategies to parent you the best that I can. I want the very best for you every single day.

- That your love for one another gets me through even the longest of days.  

- That your kindness to others makes me more proud than any of your other many accomplishments in life.  And always will. 

- That no secret is ever too big for your sister to handle.

- That I never go to bed without checking on you each first and kissing you goodnight one more time before the day is done.  I whisper in your ear, "I love you.  You are perfect."

-That you should throw the big party, and invite more people than you had planned.  Buy 12 more balloons than you think that you need and get your dad to let you have as much fun as humanly possible.  Life is short.  Be safe, use your head, but have fun.  

- That you make me happy over and over and over again every single day by just. being. you.  

I'm not planning on going anywhere. And hopefully we're reading this together someday after your own children are having babies and you're wheeling me in to meet them. But just in case we don't get that chance, now you know- that never were there three beings on this planet, more special to me than you.

I love watching you grow.  I hope you're never too cool to privately hear how much I love you.  I hope you don't grow tired of my snuggles too quickly.  I hope you always know that I will always be here for you.  That I will never be too busy for you.  That I will always be your mommy, and you will always be my babies- even when you're 16 or 22.  I hope you have lofty goals and I hope you reach most of them.  I hope that when you fail, you will try again. I hope that you come to me with ice cream and two spoons when your heart is broken.  I hope you chase your passions with gusto.  I hope you will always be ladies and a gentleman.  And I hope that you'll always come home to your mama. 

Words can never describe how much I love you three.  But I hope you always know anyway.  I love you as high as the sky and as big as the sun.  And more. 

Thank you for making me a mother.  Here's to you.  Happy Mother's Day to us all!