Mother's Day letter to the loves of my life

I never really can believe that Mother's Day is supposed to be about me.  (Even after John told me after school the other day, "Mommy! We wearned it is Mudder's Day and that we should help you! And I'm gonna get your coffee!")  I try to work really hard to balance everyones activity committments with playdates, opportunities for growth with rewards for success, and treats with broccoli.  I try to keep the house, (and all the people that live in it), organized and at least get the laundry washed and dried and on top of the dryer.  Actually having it make it back into the drawers again on the same day, I think is a goal for after all three kids are in school full time.  It seems like I am constantly running, thinking, worrying, planning, trying to make something magical, apologizing when I fall short.  I know for a fact that I am not the only mother thinking these things day in and day out.   And yet, as we get ready to celebrate all of the amazing moms who do that every day, I struggle that I should be celebrated too.  

Maybe it's because I'm lucky enough to have my mom still alive and to be so physically and emotionally close to her.  My mom likes to be celebrated as much as we love to celebrate.  This year will be the first time in my lifetime that we don't celebrate my grandma on Mother's Day.  This year is also the first time that Emilie's birthday falls on Mother's Day.  So, I've been thinking a lot about the holiday recently and I've decided that it's the perfect day to NOT only celebrate me.  I wouldn't have the life I have without my sweet Jazzy mama.  I wouldn't have the fun I have without the amazing moms I share my life with.  Jason loves to point out that if it weren't for him, I wouldn't be a mom.  But we'll save the fawning over his ego for Father's Day.  The real amazing wonder of motherhood that strikes me every day, are my babies.  And it's because of THEM that I get to even be considered on Sunday.  

I realize way too often, sometimes as I'm tucking my kids in at night, or as we're all laughing hysterically over something in the kitchen, or as I'm kissing their booboos, that if something were to happen to me tomorrow, my kids would have almost no memory of me at all. I can nearly recount, in detail, every minute of their sweet little lives, and yet if I died tomorrow -for sure Emilie and John, and Marin very little- wouldn't as much as recall the sound of my voice, despite them having to hear it more than they probably wish on some days.  

I know it's morbid, and I have no plans for that to happen; that's why I always push the thought out of my head and go on singing Moana at the top of our lungs or laughing at passed gas or whatever it as that moment, that brings joy to all of us at once.  But then sometimes I can't help but think, if something happens to me, will they ever really know how totally and completely crazy ga-ga I am over them? Will they ever know how lucky I feel to be their mom? Will they ever understand how much I love that I get to be home with them every day? Will the house implode? Will they ever learn when the Nordstrom Anniversary sale is or how to add just the right amount of accessories to a room without it looking cluttered?  Jason could fill an entire lifetime of stories about how much I loved them, but let's face it- even he has limitations.

Sometimes I'll find myself caught in a moment and I'll say to Jason, "If something were to happen to me, make sure that the kids know....." I guess he's not worried or he probably wouldn't roll his eyes as much as he does after I say that.  And maybe it's because I have control issues, but let's just say it's because I love so big, there are just some things I absolutely want my kids to know.  

So, here they are.
Marin, Emilie and John, I want you to always know: 

- That being your mom is the single greatest joy in my life.

- That I love you in amounts you will never understand, no matter how many times I tell you, except maybe possibly when you have your own children. And yes, this includes those moments when you throw yourself on the floor kicking and screaming because you don't want to wear pants.

-That my love for you is endless and abundant. 

-That I am your greatest fan and your first advocate. That I will always be in your corner and if you are wrong I will try to gently teach you what is right. 

-That the showing up is more important than how you look when you get there.  But try a little.  It makes people feel valued.  

-That it is a great pleasure to be your mommy. I am in awe of you every day. I can't wait to see what you all will become. That no one is more certain than I, that you will leave the world a better place.

-That I know that I might not always be easy to love, and we don't always agree. I'm certain that I tell you,  "no",  more than you want to hear. But I also continue to promise you to try and be the best mom I can be.  I often fall short of this, and then I recommit to it to myself because you are each precious gifts to me and the world.

- That I love your daddy fiercely, no matter what. Even when we disagree. And that he makes me laugh as much as he makes you laugh. And that I think he's fun and smart and handsome and adventourous, and yes, sometimes stubborn.  Be gentle with him.  

-That I hope your daddy and I are an example of how imperfect the perfect love and life can be and how absolutely without a doubt it is worth fighting for.  And you will have to.  And you should.  And mommy's almost always right.

- That listening to you talk to yourself as you play and imagine makes me giddy with happiness.

-That your chalk drawings and scribbles on the sidewalk long after you're tucked snuggly in your beds at night makes my heart overflow.

- That you can do anything in the world that you want to as long as you put your mind to it and believe in yourself. I believe in you and I am proud of you. (and I'd want you to know that I've whispered this to each of you before you go to sleep each night for nearly your whole lives.)

- That I don't consider anything that I do with you or for you a chore.  But since you all now use the toilet on your own, that is more easily said.  

- That I love to celebrate you. On your birthdays or on a Tuesday.

-That you should take pride in your work.  It makes the journey more enjoyable.  

- That even thought I may always be running and doing and telling and advising, I am never, ever, ever too busy to hear what your heart has to say.

- That absolutely nothing is more important to me than the three of you.

- That when you learn something new, every fiber of my being beams with pride.

- That the days that you were born, and the moments I first laid eyes on each of you were the very happiest moments in my life.

- That there is no better sight to my eyes than your smiles.

- That the sound of your laughter is better than the music of the finest symphony in the world.

- That there is no place in the world that I would rather be, when you crawl into my lap and talk or snuggle or read with me.  Even if it means I have to watch some ridiculous kids show for the 45th time.  

-That when you look at me and share and talk to me, time stands still and everything else on the planet can wait.  

-That your spontaneous hugs and kisses mean more to me than all the riches in the world and your handmade gifts covered in glitter and glue and tiny letters and misspelled words are better than the entire Mark and Graham catalog.  

- That you are beautiful, precious little people with giant hearts and beautiful manners. And I hope that the world never tarnishes that for you.

- That many times I can not get enough of you- so much so- that I want to eat your cheeks and kiss your face a thousand times.

-That in the end it is not one day or one year that matters, but how you lived as a whole that will define you.  Let go of the sucky day and years, hold your head high, and try to move on.  

- That I am always thinking about you. Whether it's things to do together, or ways to work on your development, or strategies to parent you the best that I can. I want the very best for you every single day.

- That your love for one another gets me through even the longest of days.  

- That your kindness to others makes me more proud than any of your other many accomplishments in life.  And always will. 

- That no secret is ever too big for your sister to handle.

- That I never go to bed without checking on you each first and kissing you goodnight one more time before the day is done.  I whisper in your ear, "I love you.  You are perfect."

-That you should throw the big party, and invite more people than you had planned.  Buy 12 more balloons than you think that you need and get your dad to let you have as much fun as humanly possible.  Life is short.  Be safe, use your head, but have fun.  

- That you make me happy over and over and over again every single day by just. being. you.  

I'm not planning on going anywhere. And hopefully we're reading this together someday after your own children are having babies and you're wheeling me in to meet them. But just in case we don't get that chance, now you know- that never were there three beings on this planet, more special to me than you.

I love watching you grow.  I hope you're never too cool to privately hear how much I love you.  I hope you don't grow tired of my snuggles too quickly.  I hope you always know that I will always be here for you.  That I will never be too busy for you.  That I will always be your mommy, and you will always be my babies- even when you're 16 or 22.  I hope you have lofty goals and I hope you reach most of them.  I hope that when you fail, you will try again. I hope that you come to me with ice cream and two spoons when your heart is broken.  I hope you chase your passions with gusto.  I hope you will always be ladies and a gentleman.  And I hope that you'll always come home to your mama. 

Words can never describe how much I love you three.  But I hope you always know anyway.  I love you as high as the sky and as big as the sun.  And more. 

Thank you for making me a mother.  Here's to you.  Happy Mother's Day to us all! 

The Big Easy

Holy Moly! Since when is May the new December?!  I need a minute to breathe.  First communion, Emilie's 6th birthday, Mother's Day, and what seems like a thousand end of the year concerts/programs/recitals. AHHHH.  Deep breaths.  We can do this people.  I can practically taste the summer daiquiris waiting for us on the other side of this month.

BUT.  Last week, Jason and I took a break from it all and headed to The Big Easy for a long NOLA weekend without our children.  (Thank you mom and dad. I'm not sure they have yet recovered from Hurricane Patterson- or as my dad lovingly calls us, the Pestersons.)

A year ago, my friend Lara asked me to sing with her choir for an upcoming trip to New Orleans at Jazz Fest.  It was of course a no brainer and I am forever grateful to Lara for offering me the opportunity to join them.  It had been a long time since I'd dusted off my pipes, but we had a great time practicing and singing together all year, and it culminated with a concert at St. Louis Cathedral in Jackson Square on Monday Night.

Since I spent much of our time there in rehearsal, and it had been 15 years since we'd been to NOLA together, Jason and I planned to stay an extra day just the two of us and we had great fun walking the city and discovering all that New Orleans has to offer.

One of the benefits of New Orleans is that it is a great 3-4 night trip, which is perfect for a little getaway.  The best part of New Orleans is that there are people of all walks of life, wonderful music literally on every corner, excellent food and constant parades in the streets.  It's essentially a giant, live party personified.  And you can chose to enjoy as little or as much of that as you'd like.

Some highlights of the sights and sounds of the city:

Bourbon Street: Absolutely no question about it, NOLA is definitely more than what you hear about Bourbon Street.  But, I still think it's a fun place to walk down at night and just take in the crazy.  The key is that you have to embrace it really.  It's a display of debauchery at its finest and it is crazy and it is loud.  But it's also colorful and hilarious and highly entertaining.  For a little while.  After that you can wash your feet, hug the one your with and move on.

Frenchmen Street: This was a huge highlight for us.  I'd describe Frenchmen Street as the grown ups version of Bourbon Street.  Like all of New Orleans, it was fun, it was lively, it was cultural, and you can drink in the streets.  Frenchmen Street is a short walk from the French Quarter and is literally lined bar after bar with amazing jazz that is all so good and so easily accessible.  Most bars didn't charge a cover and often times you could even stand right outside and listen to the music pouring out to the crowds.  There was also bands playing in the streets where spontaneous dancing followed.  There were restaurants and bars where you could buy tickets for a specific show.  That's exactly what we did at Snug Harbor one night when we got the last four tickets and were lucky enough to see the Herlin Riley Quartet and even got to meet Herlin afterwards. Frenchmen street also has a little open air artist market that we strolled through and did I mention the music?

French Quarter: The French Quarter feels like the heart of New Orleans to me.  It is the best place to experience the beautiful architecture with the balconies and the colorful homes.  There were many parades in the street- celebrating a life or just because, and they always invited you to join in the parade, march with them and hand out beads and good cheer.  We loved ducking in shops and local art galleries along Royal Street, where during the day they close the street to vehicles and open it to allow pedestrians and bands and walk and dance and sing in the streets.  We also enjoyed the shops of Chartres street which has cute shops and some antique stores.

A highlight of the French Quarter is beautiful Jackson Square, which of course is where the St. Louis Cathedral is located.  Jackson Square felt very European to me, mostly because of the awesome open-air artist market that surrounds the iron gates of the square.  There are also plenty of entertaining street performers here.  The actual square itself was open during the day and into the early evening and was the perfect spot for great pictures.

Jason and I enjoyed a delicious dinner at Muriel's in Jackson Square one night which had great Creole food and fun story about the buildings ghost, for whom they always keep a table unoccupied and set with wine and bread. We also enjoyed a post concert dinner and drinks with the the whole group at Tableau.  Both Muriel's and Tableau had tables on the balcony overlooking the streets below, which were really fun to sit at and enjoy the square.

Beignets: The beignets deserve their own category, because come on, it's a fried doughnut under a mound of powdered sugar.  Need I say more?  I didn't think so.  We enjoyed the cafe au lait and the best beignets in the city at Cafe Du Monde in Jackson Square, as well as the beautiful courtyard and delicious beignets (and more) at Cafe Beignet on Royal Street.  I've been dreaming about beignets ever since.

Garden District: We took a streetcar ride on the St. Charles line to the Garden District which is home to gorgeous old southern homes- one more grand than the next.  We loved walking the streets admiring their beauty.  We also popped into the historic Lafayette cemetery which was a very old and popular cemetery open and available for the public to walk.  Lafayette cemetery has been in films and has insipred literature and it was just so interesting to walk the cemetery on our own little self guided tour. Because New Orleans is above sea level, all of the graves are above ground, which is equal parts really freaky and super cool.

Peaches Record Store: We walked Magazine Street one afternoon, the highlight of which was Peaches Record Store.  Known for one of the best locally owned record stores in the world, Peaches has an awesome vibe, live music in the back (we happened upon the Ellis Marsalis quartet when we were there!), and a huge record selection.

Other highlights from our trip:

Ruby slippers: We had brunch at Ruby Slippers in Uptown where I had delicious barbecue shrimp and grits and a bloody mary made with bacon infused vodka.  Yep.  You read all of that correctly.

Mulate's: We had a group dinner at Mulate's, know to be the original cajun restaurant.  They had live music with square dancers and I played the washboard with the band.  Yep. You read that correctly.

Napoleon House: We loved the Napoleon House's courtyard, food and signature Pimm's Cup.  And maybe a Sazerac or two.

Lafitte's Blacksmith Shop Bar: Lafitte's is supposedly the oldest structure used as a bar in the United States.  It's a cool spot with good drinks and an even better atmosphere.  And it's open late... later than this mama should have stayed up.  Or should I say earlier. Yep. You read that correctly.

Willa Jean: Willa Jean was a little bit off of the main path and appeared to be popular with the locals and I can see why.  The decor was light and modern and the food was scrumptious! 

We had a great time in New Orleans and are looking forward to the next time we can return to the party!